Why Sex Needs To Be About More Than Orgasms

 

Please lend a hand immediately. DAME tells the stories that need to be told from underrepresented viewpoints. These voices must not be ignored, especially during times of crisis, but COVID-19 has hindered our ability to continue publishing. Please join us today to support our mission and keep the news coming. Companies promise and market huge, mind-blowing orgasms in everything from Good Sex Movies toys to "sex dust" supplements, self-help books to cannabis lube. And orgasms are a big business, just like sex.

The global sex toy market was estimated to be worth $33.64 billion in 2020 alone, and it is anticipated to grow yearly. A common selling point for these products is achieving the "female orgasm," which, according to our culture, is elusive, enigmatic, and an afterthought to good sex. Many businesses make the "orgasm gap" smaller in an effort to close the "marketable feminism and store-bought empowerment gap.

Professor and sex therapist Laurie Mints has devoted a significant portion of her professional life to researching the orgasm gap, which is the difference in orgasm frequency between heterosexual, cisgender men and women. The orgasm gap and the larger failure of sex education and cultural depictions of sex are both addressed in her book, Becoming Literate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—and How to Get It.

Being literate was hailed as the next phase of the sexual revolution and had a significant cultural impact on how we talk about sex between men and women. Alarming results were found by Mints. In one study by the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), 64 percent of women and 91 percent of men reported orgasming during their most recent sexual encounter. It's not just the physical that causes this pause between orgasms; it also has to do with how the climax is perceived.

In direct opposition to the low rate of self-reported orgasm by women, 85% of men reported that their partner orgasmed. The 'orgasm gap' is therefore undoubtedly real. Is it important, though? When compared to other demographics, the orgasm gap definitely reveals something important about how heterosexual women are marginalized during sex (lesbian women report orgasm 88 percent of the time). However, highlighting orgasming as the height of sexual fulfillment is a bait and switch.

Although it seems like closing the gap should be empowering, little real change is actually brought about. The orgasm gap is a symptom, not the actual cause, of the issue. We obsess over the quantitative frequency of a single bodily function rather than questioning societal notions of sex, what "counts" as sex, and what types of people get to be the focus of meaningful erotic exchanges.

Everyone has sex for a variety of reasons. Sex can express love and attraction or serve as a sign of commitment. Sex can be used for self-expression, fun, agency, or just plain stress relief. Due to trauma, gender dysphoria, purity culture, nerve damage, or other disabilities, many people with rich sex lives are actually unable or unwilling to access orgasm at all. According to Cassandra Corrido, a trauma and LGBTQ-informed sex educator, "the orgasm-achievement model focuses on getting to a goal, and not focusing on the experience that actually brought you there." Meanwhile, eliminating the hierarchy of sex acts is necessary for pleasure-centered sex. Instead of focusing only on one option, such as penetration, consider all the available options.

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